Chapter One

“Jamie, dear, how are you going to get a wife if all you do is sit in the house and read? You’re not getting any younger!” Jamie’s mother continued to fuss around his apartment with a vigor that tired him just from watching.

“Mama, I’m perfectly content being by myself. I’m more worried about you alone in that big house. Is Maria still coming to visit you?”

Mama waved a hand dismissively. “Oh, yes. She’s making a right pest of herself, that girl. I can never seem to get a moment to myself these days.”

Well, that makes two of us, he thought. Sighing, Jamie closed his book and stood. It’s not like he had been getting much reading done anyway. He walked over to where his mother was rearranging his kitchen and said, “You know I’m perfectly capable of buying my own groceries, Mama.”

“Well, you can’t tell! Look how bare your kitchen is!” She made an offended face as she opened yet another empty cabinet. “Look at this! How am I not supposed to worry about you when I see this!”

“I only buy what I need for the day, Mama. Besides, I’m only cooking for myself. I don’t need much.” Jamie paused before continuing, “Lance and Katie are coming over tonight. I’m sure they won’t mind staying for dinner if you’d like me to prove I can cook.”

“Oh, that’s a wonderful idea! It’s been forever since I’ve seen Katelyn. How is she doing, dear? Is that Henry fellow treating her right?”

“Ah. Well. It certainly seems so. She talks about him all the time.” It was technically true. She didn’t need to know about the details. “Mama, do you want to go shopping with me?” Jamie asked, hoping to change the subject. Last thing he needed was Mama getting the idea of inviting Henry over too.

It took quite a bit for Jamie to get his mother to stop ranting long enough to put her coat on and get her out the door. The farmer’s market wasn’t far though, and Jamie already had an idea of what he was going to make. Still, they didn’t return home until almost evening since Mama kept fussing over everything he bought.

“It’s alright, Mama. I can put everything away. Lance and Katie will be here soon, so how about you wait in the parlor to greet them?” Jamie wasn’t quite begging, but it was a close thing. He loved his mother, but she could be overbearing and had a habit of hovering whenever she visited.

“Are you sure you don’t need help? I could—!”

“Yes, Mama. I’m sure. Go sit down and relax.”

There was a moment when it looked like she was going to argue, but she just sighed and went to sit in the parlor. Jamie let out the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding and felt his shoulders release a tension he hadn’t realized was there. He was grateful for the space, even if it would soon be interrupted by his friends’ arrival.

It wasn’t long after he’d been left alone in the kitchen that he heard the door opening and a familiar cry of “Mrs. Hayes!”. Jamie finished putting the groceries away and made his way to the parlor where he found Katie holding his mother in a tight embrace. Lance stood behind her with his usual cool look, but the twitch of his lips gave his amusement away. 

“Hello, Lance. Nice to see you,” Jamie offered since his other friend was now busy exchanging rapid-fire gossip with his mother.

“A pleasure as always.” Lance nodded in his direction. “I’m assuming we’re staying for dinner then?”

Jamie sighed. “Yes, she’s bullied me into hosting again. She thinks I need to socialize more.”

“You do. When was the last time you spoke to anyone besides us?” Jamie went to respond, but Lance cut him off before he could. “Your editor doesn’t count.”

“I think she should. Our conversations are enlightening.”

“Well, yes, I would hope so. That is her job.”

Jamie made a face at that. “That’s not very fair. It’s not her fault she gets paid to talk about my manuscript.” Lance only laughed. Maybe it was better that he didn’t respond since Jamie wasn’t too fond of examining that particular aspect of his life.

“Goodness, Katelyn! You’re worse than Jamie! What am I going to do with the two of you?” Mama’s shout startled both him and Lance. 

“Mrs. Hayes! Don’t say that!” Katelyn seemed embarrassed. She had her hands covering her face, and even from here, Jamie could see her ears were turning red.

“What’s this all about?” Lance asked, walking over to stand closer to the pair. Jamie followed.

“Katelyn broke up with Henry!” Mama cried, throwing her hands up, “And here I was thinking at least one of you would be getting married soon!”

“Mama, calm down. I’m sure there’s a good reason they broke up.” Jamie peeked over at Katie. She had moved her hands now, and upon noticing his look, she shook her head. He paused then said, “It must have been very trying, so maybe we shouldn’t remind Katie of all those negative feelings right now.”

Jamie knew she’d tell him and Lance about it later, so he didn’t worry over it too much yet. After calming Mama down, he decided that maybe starting dinner early would be in everyone’s best interest. Just the mention of dinner had Mama hovering over him again and the topic of Katie’s breakup was easily pushed aside. Mentally, Jamie marked this down as another favor she owed him.

Dinner went smoothly after that. Of course, Lance tried his best to distract Jamie enough to burn the food and Katie made a mess with the sauce, but that was normal for them. Mama seemed to really enjoy it, which was all he could ask for. The night ended when Mama started complaining about a headache. She protested it, but that was when Jamie decided to call Maria to pick her up.

Only after he saw her off did he pull out the whiskey. He had a feeling they would need it for this conversation. After some general chatter and catching up, Jamie finally asked Katie about Henry.

She got quiet. Her eyes dropped to the table and she spun her empty glass with a finger. Then, she said, “He proposed to me.”

“He proposed? Really?” Lance nearly fell out of his chair. Jamie could relate. Katie had never dated anyone long enough to get that serious.

“We were on a date. You know that park by the lake? He took me there. It’s gorgeous in autumn. The trees turn such a brilliant shade of red. It was beautiful. Really, it was.

“I had run over to that little bridge with the roof. I always do. And with the way the leaves floated on the water, I was just… so excited. When I turned around to tell Henry to hurry up, he… he had kneeled down and there was this box in his hands.

“He had this whole speech prepared, and I could hear him talking, but I wouldn’t be able to tell you a word he said. I was stood there just frozen. Panicking. I really love hanging out with Henry. I loved being around him. I had thought, truly believed, that this was the man I was going to marry. I knew it would never be what me and Claudia had, but if I couldn’t have her, this was the best I was going to get.

“I cared about Henry, I still care about him. But I realized I couldn’t love him and he… deserved better than that. He deserved better than me.” Katie was crying at this point and Jamie felt powerless to stop it. What could he possibly say that would take this pain away? Nothing, so he stayed silent as she sobbed. “I had the perfect man right there! What is wrong with me?! Why couldn’t I just love him?!”

Lance sat next to him and held his head in his hands. Jamie knew he’d been in similar situations and was probably reliving them now. It hurt to watch his friends in pain, but he didn’t know what to do. 

He’d never pursued anyone. Had never wanted to. He couldn’t even imagine what loving someone like that would be like.

Katie had never been interested in men for as long as he can remember. Even in primary school, he’d sit and listen to her go on and on about the girl she wanted to hold hands with. He knows she never grew out of thinking boys were gross. 

And Lance had turned down every girl who confessed in university. He had been so popular back then, Jamie had always wondered why he didn’t at least try. Then he walked in on him kissing his dorm mate and he stopped wondering. He already had a boyfriend.

This was simply who they were. Was it just supposed to hurt them like this? Was it punishment?

Jamie sighed as he looked at his friends now. “It’s not your fault, you know. You can’t help that you didn’t love him.”

Katie lifted her head, still sniffling messily. She went back to staring at the table. “I should have told him. I shouldn’t have gotten his hopes up. He didn’t deserve to be strung along like this.”

“And what else were you supposed to do? Put yourself in danger?” Lance interrupted her, his face still hidden behind his hands. “You don’t know that he wouldn’t have told anyone. You did the right thing, Katie.”

“Doesn’t feel like it.”

Lance huffed a laugh, though there wasn’t any humor in it. “I know.” He lowered his hands, and though his face was dry, his eyes were red. He hesitated before continuing. “I refuse to let it happen any longer.”

And this was news to Jamie. Going from the confusion on Katie’s face, she didn’t know what Lance was talking about either. “What do you mean?”

“You remember Pierre, right?” We nodded. “Well, he asked me to come live with him.”

“Didn’t he move back to Lecaire?”

“He did.” Lance seemed nervous to continue, but he did. “They decriminalized homosexuality there. We can’t get married or anything, but well. It means we don’t have to hide anymore.”

No one spoke for a moment. Then Katie jumped up and wrapped Lance in a crushing hug. “I’m so happy for you, Lance. There is hope after all.”

Lance sat there stunned for moment before cautiously returning the hug. “Thanks Katie,” he said, very softly into her shoulder. He knew Lance wasn’t normally one for physical affection, so he fought the urge to join them. It would be best not to overwhelm him. Though, Katie never seemed to have such qualms. Instead, Jamie took the opportunity to refill all their glasses. They had a lot to celebrate. And a lot to mourn.

After a few minutes, they separated and Katie went back to her seat. All three of them were quiet long enough that it should have been awkward. It wasn’t. Jamie thought that maybe they all were realizing how long it’s been since they were children. They’d all survived this long because they could avoid the topic altogether, but how much longer could they do that? Lance had figured that out. Jamie suddenly understood that this decision hadn’t just been because Lance wanted to stop hiding; it was a matter of confronting something they’d pretended wasn’t there.

Jamie didn’t share these realizations with his friends. He held it close and told himself it could wait. At least, for one more night.

Later, Jamie bid Lance goodnight right outside the front door of his apartment. They had stepped outside so that Katie—passed out on Jamie’s sofa not for the first time—could sleep unbothered.

Jamie hadn’t grabbed his coat, so he stuffed his hands into his pockets to ward off the late-night chill. He looked at Lance. “I’m happy for you. Don’t forget us when you’re sipping champagne in Lecaire.”

Lance gave him a slow, unbearably fond smile. “I could never. Make sure to reply to my letters in between best-sellers, would you? Someone needs to check if you’re still alive and Katie can’t be trusted.”

“Oh, just admit that you’ll miss us.”

“I will. Miss you, that is.” Lance rocked back on his heels, restless in his inebriation. “Good night, Jamie. Take care of Katelyn.”

Lance left, after that. Jamie went back inside.

When he spotted Katie, still asleep on his couch, he couldn’t help but think that some things never changed, even when others did.